By Ben Cort
Excerpted from his new book, Weed Inked.
A reporter from the New York Post recently called asking my thoughts on a bill that would require parents to attend diversion/education programs with their kids when the kids got caught with THC. While I like the idea of putting them all in the same room, my initial concern was what will the curriculum contain? How will the state create a class that will have information relevant to both parents and their kids? The challenge that this call brought to the forefront of my mind is how to bridge the gap between the perception of what kids are using and the reality of what is actually happening on the street. As I have suggested prior, we must start with a recognition that most parents will think of a plant, while most kids will think of a product.
My intention in this chapter is to better equip parents to have these conversations with their children in a way that will be meaningful. It is not enough to say something; we must say something that is true in a way that can be understood. I can do my best trying to discuss a subject in my native language, English, with someone who is a native speaker of say Mandarin, but no matter how hard I try and how earnest I am, my message won’t get through. For my words to mean anything they have to be understandable, factual, and relevant.
I believe that the first thing we need to establish in these conversations is the difference between the plant and the products. By starting here, we will be able to keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand and not the historical and societal problems associated with use, and more importantly, enforcement of laws. It is so easy for someone to gaslight in these conversations and change the conversation from one about themselves to one about Nixon era laws, or pervasive racism in American culture. The assumption I am making with this suggestion is that you are talking to someone for whom THC has become a problem. IF this is the case, our primary practical concern is with their well-being, so we have to keep the conversation focused on their use.
This conversation is best conducted with three phases, the first of which is information gathering/understanding. By beginning your conversation this way, you will avoid making it an accusation met by a rebuttal. Hopefully you will show the person that you care enough to learn about them before trying to “fix” them. The goal of this part of the conversation is to determine what is being used and how often. By “what,” I mean potency and method of ingestion. Potency is key because it will allow us to get a better understanding of how severe the issue is or is not. If I find out that the person I’m talking to smokes joints rolled from dried out cannabis plants, I am less concerned than if they are vaping concentrates.
The method of ingestion is also key to establish in part, so you don’t sound stupid. You wouldn’t want to be saying “smoking” when they are vaping or eating, just like you wouldn’t want to refer to the products as gummies when they smoke or vape. The way to ask this question is simple, “If you had a $1K gift card to your favorite dispensary, what would you walk out of the store with?” Get ready for some generic answers here, so probe a bit. If you hear things like, “I don’t know, some bud,” or “a few cartridges,” or “gummies and sodas,” you will have to ask questions until you find out how strong those products are. If they say “bud” or “flower,” ask specifically what strain. Ask if they prefer indica or sativa but most importantly find out how strong. A response might be something like, “Okay, so you prefer flower. What would the ideal THC amount be in that flower?” The same idea applies for vaping or edibles.
Once you have a better idea of potency, we want to shift to frequency. This one can be a bit trickier because pretty much everyone will downplay their use; you can typically multiply these answers by 2 and get closer to reality! The style and tone of the conversation will be a big factor in how honest an answer you are able to get.
Before moving on to phase two, let’s be perfectly clear: ANY amount of use in the adolescent brain is problematic. Our concern for them increases the greater the potency is from zero and the frequency from never. As a general rule, potency above 10% and frequency over three times a month is when things become concerning. For example, if we find that someone is using a concentrate level potency (40%+ THC) multiple times a day, our level of concern will be high. If they are smoking ditch weed once a month, I am far less concerned.
Phase two, compassionate concern. Keep in mind that you are having this conversation because you care about and love the individual, and you want what is best for them. As a parent myself, I understand how easy it is to confuse what I think is best for them with what they think is best. I encourage you to remember what it would have been like, or what it was like, having this conversation with your parents. Would you have been likely to respond well to, “You are an embarrassment and are throwing your life away. The Baker’s kids would never do anything like this, and they’re all going places!” Or would your response be better to, “I hope you know how much I love you and that I always want the best for you no matter what life you lead. I am concerned that your use may be getting in the way of the future you want, being the person you want to be, and doing the things you want to do.”
There is a place for tough love and firm boundaries, but that place usually isn’t in the first conversation about someone’s use. Your goal here is to let them know you are concerned and that your concern comes from a place of love and caring, not from frustration and disappointment. Doing your best to keep anger in check will go a long way towards future conversations and ultimately the outcome.
Phase three is when we either suggest solutions or start looking for them. We’ll call this the “solutions stage.” Much of what comes next will depend on what has come up to this point. A flowchart to follow is not helpful because each situation is unique. Rather than establish specific interventions for each level of use, I will suggest several responses, escalating from the least to the most serious.
- Agree to have another conversation.
- Agree on boundaries specific to your situation and level of comfort; things like there is no use or possession in the home. Or they will stop using concentrates or not use more than once or twice a month.
- Agree to stop all use and to discuss it openly. One of the keys here is to agree to testing. The last thing you want is them being persecuted for something they didn’t do, or for you to figure out how to navigate the issues while being lied to.
- Talk to a professional. Getting a therapist or medical provider involved is only as good as that individual is in this field. I strongly suggest that you vet them first to make sure they are qualified and understand the issue. Unfortunately, you will still find providers out there with the “It’s just weed” mentality.
- Intensive Outpatient (IOP) therapy. This typically means three sessions a week about three hours in length complimented by at least a monthly individual session.
- Residential (Inpatient) Center. These programs are for people who can’t stop on their own and are having serious issues associated with their use.
- Acute Emergency Care. This almost always begins in the ER because the person is in immediate risk, psychologically or physically. Things like psychosis or serious GI issues like uncontrolled vomiting are reasons to seek emergency care. There are too many stories of people hurting themselves and others in a state of psychosis. If they are unsafe to get to an emergency room, call 911. If you call 911 make sure to explain that it is a psychiatric emergency and request a crisis response team. Many police departments now employ clinicians who will go on these calls to help de-escalate situations.
One final thought on having this conversation: don’t do it in a time of crisis. If you initiate this when they come home past curfew, or you find a THC product in their room or right after another parent calls you with scary information, the conversation will miss its intended mark. These conversations are most impactful when things are “good,” when everyone is well rested, fed, and emotions aren’t flaring.
Okay parents, the easy part is done, let’s talk about you! All those who parent run the risk of either catastrophizing or downplaying the situation. Either reaction can be a big problem. Consider if you will my contextual bias when it comes to these matters. I am a recovering addict who lost a majority of my youth’s peer group to addiction. I also work inside of elective drug treatment where everyone has a severe addiction and is often near death. In my personal and professional experience, drug use leads to, as they say in 12-step, “jails, institutions, and death.”‘ In other words, the most serious of consequences. The challenge for me is to remember that my experience is not the whole sum of humanity’s experience. There are plenty of people who will never experience what I did or see what I do at work; I have to keep that in mind. In the same way it is equally as important for those who use(d) or have people close to them who use to remember that what I see is also reality for some. Both of us have to avoid generalizing in order to fit our expectations.
As a parent or someone concerned for a loved one you are going to have to walk a difficult path between overreacting and downplaying; both can end in tragedy. Here are a few suggestions to help find this balance.
- Don’t go it alone. We all have differing levels of support in our lives. Ideally you have a partner you can do this with, but for many that isn’t a reality. Sometimes it is the partner that is the cause for concern. Reach out to friends and family-people you know are there for you. Talk to someone you know in recovery and ask them for advice or to people who have been in a similar situation as yourself. Talk to a therapist or leader in your faith community, if you have one. Attend a virtual or in person Al-Anon or Mar-Anon meeting and ask for help. (Mar-Anon is a support group for those who are affected by a loved one’s marijuana use.) Join Johnny’s Ambassadors Parents of Children with Cannabis-Induced Psychosis (POCCIP) Facebook group for support.
- Don’t be afraid to call in a professional prior to the conversation.
- Do your very best to be in a good place emotionally when you talk. Practice sound self-care before walking into this.
- Stay pragmatic! You won’t fix everything at once. Know the goal of the conversation (admit they need help, check into a program, agree to boundaries, etc) and stay focused on that. Far too often we want to have everything figured out. The goal is to get from point A to point B; we worry about C after that.
I will close this out by saying again that each and every situation is unique although they typically share some common themes. The only absolute thing to keep in mind is that someone is never too far gone to be helped. After working with families in the most desperate of situations, I always encourage them to not lose hope. This doesn’t mean that you keep supporting and enabling a person; it means you don’t give up on them.